This withdrawal was a little different. The dreams were there, so was the sweating and muscle twitching. My symptoms had some new friends in the form of constant ringing in my ears and uncontrollable crying. Not crying all the time, but just coming from nowhere and for no reason. I was also feeling a strong sense of depersonalization. Like I was watching a movie of my own life or something. Why was my brain doing this to me? Why can't I just feel calm and relaxed like other people I know?
So we are caught up...Here I am, 5 days after my last dose of Effexor. I have slept like crap, barely gotten anything accomplished at work, and gotten even less accomplished around the house. Is the medicine causing this or was I like this before? I can't even remember, I am like a zombie. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in a few days and have everything be over.
Some positives though...I have found great solace in my attempts at Cognitive Behavorial Therapy, Meditation, and some good music.
The therapy helps..seriously. It is comforting to speak to a non-judgemental person who is an expert in their field and whose goal is to help you. It helps to get stuff out...stuff that is repressed and stuff that needs to be said. I hate crying when I say it, but oh well.
Meditation is something new for me, but I have read that it can be a positive influence on anxiety, stress, and fear. Studies show that it decreases heart rate, and increases the release of those chemicals that we need to feel calm, like seratonin.
Lastly, some music. I am not a big music guy, and when I do listen, I usually like some more upbeat stuff, but I have found great comfort recently in the slow tunes of John Mayer, Amy Winehouse, John Legend, and Herbie Hancock. Who knows if there is any science behind this, but I know I like listening to them.
I know I can get better. I know I will feel like a person again. I know I will live a full and happy life. I know I will meet a significant other and I know I will be successful in my profession. I know I will have a family some day and I know that I will leave a legacy with my earthly vehicle. I am at a few rough spots in the road right now and I am committed to doing the right things to get the train of my life back on track.
P.S. I have anxiety, but I can't imagine the anxiety that people in the space shuttle feel. Every time I see that thing go off, I am absolutely floored by the idea of space travel. Man dreamt about this one day and worked to make it a reality. If we can put a man on the moon, surely we can put together my brain to make it right again.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Thursday, June 7, 2007
The Panic
After about a year free of Effexor, I had been training really hard for a triathlon and had been working out about twice a day. I started to get these headaches and had some bowel issues. I figured that they were no big deal and kept on swimming, biking, and running.
One Saturday morning, I woke up in an anxious state. I decided to take it easy that day to try and relaz. As the day wore on, the panic set it and I began to feel like I was going to lose it. In a state of panic, I turned to my old friend Effexor. I had kept some tablets from my previous go-round for just this occasion. With no doctors orders and with medication that had been sitting in my pantry for a year, I took a 75mg pill and cut it in half. About two hours after, I felt this bizarre burning sensation that started in my chest and ran through my arms and legs. I had never felt that before. I freaked out. Not in the screaming, crying sort of way, but in the laying in bed miserable kind of way.
On Monday, I went to the doctor and got confirmation that it was Ok to continue with the Effexor. They gave me some starter packs and I stated to take 37.5mg per day. I took these for about 3 days before the side effects started. Sweating, blurred vision, feeling like I was drunk, like I was in someone elses body. A few days later, the thoughts started. The obsessive thoughts about wanting to injure myself and someone else. In fact, I remember being on the train, looking at the person next to me thinking I wanted to punch them in the face. I am a very docile person and have never considered myself depressed, but I feel like the Effexor made me like a zombie. I never had any of these problems when I took it before. I went back to the doctor and was given another starter pack and told to take one every other day and get myself off of this mess.
I don't know about any of these SSRI or SNRI medications. I know people who have taken them with great success, but I have also read many accounts on this here internet of many people who experienced many bad things with them. I will save the withdrawal for my next post, but if you have had any experiences with these medications, and happen to be reading this, I would love to hear about them...
One Saturday morning, I woke up in an anxious state. I decided to take it easy that day to try and relaz. As the day wore on, the panic set it and I began to feel like I was going to lose it. In a state of panic, I turned to my old friend Effexor. I had kept some tablets from my previous go-round for just this occasion. With no doctors orders and with medication that had been sitting in my pantry for a year, I took a 75mg pill and cut it in half. About two hours after, I felt this bizarre burning sensation that started in my chest and ran through my arms and legs. I had never felt that before. I freaked out. Not in the screaming, crying sort of way, but in the laying in bed miserable kind of way.
On Monday, I went to the doctor and got confirmation that it was Ok to continue with the Effexor. They gave me some starter packs and I stated to take 37.5mg per day. I took these for about 3 days before the side effects started. Sweating, blurred vision, feeling like I was drunk, like I was in someone elses body. A few days later, the thoughts started. The obsessive thoughts about wanting to injure myself and someone else. In fact, I remember being on the train, looking at the person next to me thinking I wanted to punch them in the face. I am a very docile person and have never considered myself depressed, but I feel like the Effexor made me like a zombie. I never had any of these problems when I took it before. I went back to the doctor and was given another starter pack and told to take one every other day and get myself off of this mess.
I don't know about any of these SSRI or SNRI medications. I know people who have taken them with great success, but I have also read many accounts on this here internet of many people who experienced many bad things with them. I will save the withdrawal for my next post, but if you have had any experiences with these medications, and happen to be reading this, I would love to hear about them...
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