Over the coming days and weeks, I hope to use this blog as a tool to help myself to explore the origin and triggers for my anxiety and panic attacks. The first few entries will be long as I try to establish the history of the 15 years that I have been dealing with this. If anyone ever ends up reading this, and has experienced similar things, please do not hesitate to share your stories with me. Perhaps we can help each other....
It all began in the summer before high school. It was 1993 and I was eating a baked potato at a Wendys. It was the summer between 8th grade and my freshman year of high school. I was with my mother and 3 siblings. As I was eating, a sudden and intense feeling came over me. It was unlike anything I had ever felt before. At first, I thought it was the flu, I thought I was going to be sick. But, as the attack progressed I became convinced that I was having a heart attack (at 13 years old!!) I stopped eating, and the attack passed in about 20 minutes. By the time it was over, my mother was in a state of panic herself as she had no idea what was going on.
I did not go to the hospital that day because we were driving home from a summer at the beach in New Jersey. I spent the rest of the trip lying in the back of our family conversion van refusing to eat anything for fear of the attack returning.
When we got home, I went to the doctor and got a full checkup. Nothing was wrong with me (as usual). But, as the days passed I continued to complain about always feeling full and was scared to eat anything for fear of being sick or another attack returning. I weighed 110 pounds at this time.
I eventually settled into a routine where the only things I would eat were bread and Edy's Vanilla Ice Cream. I drifted through my freshman year of high school with visits to the family doctor, endocronologist, homeopathic doctor, cardiologist, and pediatrician. According to the doctors, I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome, I was deficient in the proper growth hormones, I was
anemic, I was weird, and I was faking it. All the while subsisting on ice cream and bread.
I credit Dr. Albert with saving my life. Following a rectal exam (at age 13) he told my mother to take me to the hospital at once. He pulled her aside and told her that I was anorexic and had to be treated immediately. Upon being admitted to the hospital, I weighed 78 pounds. To this day, this was the worst moment in my life, the realization that I had driven my parents to the brink of insanity and myself to the brink of death over my completely irrational health fears.
The hospital ran every blood test imaginable (incliding HIV!!) in addition to a colonoscopy and a endoscopy and it was determined that there was nothing wrong with me. Meanwhile, I was on strict orders to drink 6 bottles of Ensure per day to pack the weight back on.
Finally, the mental health nurse came in and explained to me that I had anxiety problems. She referred us to a Phyciatrist and and got me ready for my discharge.
At the shrink, I was put through a series of mental tests and it was determined that I had a learning disability and ADD. My parents were given a prescription for Norpramine. Before I took the Norpramine, I had to go back to the hospital for a blood test and an EKG to determine a baseline for this medicine.
Oh yeah, by this time, I had almost failed out of school, had no friends, and 1 VERY concerned teacher.
I took the Norpramine with no real side effects (except the monthly EKGs) and my health began to improve. I no longer felt "full" and I was no longer convinced that I was going to die at any moment. However, I was in a constant state of fear that there was something wrong with my heart. I thought that the medicine was going to ruin it. I was convinced that one day it was going to stop beating and I would drop dead without any chance to say goodbye to anyone. This is all perfectly normal for a high schooler right?
As I progrossed in my Norpramine treatment, I began to make a few friends and my grades dramatically improved. By my sophmore year, I was playing on the golf team and was even considering asking a girl out on a date. Things were looking up.
I continue to take the medicine throughout high school. I now felt that I was accepted and I even had a little self confidence. However, I never got to participate in one of the great high school past times, drinking some beers. I was on strict orders not to mix the medicine with alcohol and as a consequence, I never developed a taste for alcohol and felt like I missed out on a big part of high school life. To this day, I have never had 1 beer.
I breezed through the rest of high school and got accepted to one of the state universities. I was excited to be away from home and try to make my way through what was supposed to be the best 4 years of my life. Or so I thought....
