This withdrawal was a little different. The dreams were there, so was the sweating and muscle twitching. My symptoms had some new friends in the form of constant ringing in my ears and uncontrollable crying. Not crying all the time, but just coming from nowhere and for no reason. I was also feeling a strong sense of depersonalization. Like I was watching a movie of my own life or something. Why was my brain doing this to me? Why can't I just feel calm and relaxed like other people I know?
So we are caught up...Here I am, 5 days after my last dose of Effexor. I have slept like crap, barely gotten anything accomplished at work, and gotten even less accomplished around the house. Is the medicine causing this or was I like this before? I can't even remember, I am like a zombie. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in a few days and have everything be over.
Some positives though...I have found great solace in my attempts at Cognitive Behavorial Therapy, Meditation, and some good music.
The therapy helps..seriously. It is comforting to speak to a non-judgemental person who is an expert in their field and whose goal is to help you. It helps to get stuff out...stuff that is repressed and stuff that needs to be said. I hate crying when I say it, but oh well.
Meditation is something new for me, but I have read that it can be a positive influence on anxiety, stress, and fear. Studies show that it decreases heart rate, and increases the release of those chemicals that we need to feel calm, like seratonin.
Lastly, some music. I am not a big music guy, and when I do listen, I usually like some more upbeat stuff, but I have found great comfort recently in the slow tunes of John Mayer, Amy Winehouse, John Legend, and Herbie Hancock. Who knows if there is any science behind this, but I know I like listening to them.
I know I can get better. I know I will feel like a person again. I know I will live a full and happy life. I know I will meet a significant other and I know I will be successful in my profession. I know I will have a family some day and I know that I will leave a legacy with my earthly vehicle. I am at a few rough spots in the road right now and I am committed to doing the right things to get the train of my life back on track.
P.S. I have anxiety, but I can't imagine the anxiety that people in the space shuttle feel. Every time I see that thing go off, I am absolutely floored by the idea of space travel. Man dreamt about this one day and worked to make it a reality. If we can put a man on the moon, surely we can put together my brain to make it right again.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Thursday, June 7, 2007
The Panic
After about a year free of Effexor, I had been training really hard for a triathlon and had been working out about twice a day. I started to get these headaches and had some bowel issues. I figured that they were no big deal and kept on swimming, biking, and running.
One Saturday morning, I woke up in an anxious state. I decided to take it easy that day to try and relaz. As the day wore on, the panic set it and I began to feel like I was going to lose it. In a state of panic, I turned to my old friend Effexor. I had kept some tablets from my previous go-round for just this occasion. With no doctors orders and with medication that had been sitting in my pantry for a year, I took a 75mg pill and cut it in half. About two hours after, I felt this bizarre burning sensation that started in my chest and ran through my arms and legs. I had never felt that before. I freaked out. Not in the screaming, crying sort of way, but in the laying in bed miserable kind of way.
On Monday, I went to the doctor and got confirmation that it was Ok to continue with the Effexor. They gave me some starter packs and I stated to take 37.5mg per day. I took these for about 3 days before the side effects started. Sweating, blurred vision, feeling like I was drunk, like I was in someone elses body. A few days later, the thoughts started. The obsessive thoughts about wanting to injure myself and someone else. In fact, I remember being on the train, looking at the person next to me thinking I wanted to punch them in the face. I am a very docile person and have never considered myself depressed, but I feel like the Effexor made me like a zombie. I never had any of these problems when I took it before. I went back to the doctor and was given another starter pack and told to take one every other day and get myself off of this mess.
I don't know about any of these SSRI or SNRI medications. I know people who have taken them with great success, but I have also read many accounts on this here internet of many people who experienced many bad things with them. I will save the withdrawal for my next post, but if you have had any experiences with these medications, and happen to be reading this, I would love to hear about them...
One Saturday morning, I woke up in an anxious state. I decided to take it easy that day to try and relaz. As the day wore on, the panic set it and I began to feel like I was going to lose it. In a state of panic, I turned to my old friend Effexor. I had kept some tablets from my previous go-round for just this occasion. With no doctors orders and with medication that had been sitting in my pantry for a year, I took a 75mg pill and cut it in half. About two hours after, I felt this bizarre burning sensation that started in my chest and ran through my arms and legs. I had never felt that before. I freaked out. Not in the screaming, crying sort of way, but in the laying in bed miserable kind of way.
On Monday, I went to the doctor and got confirmation that it was Ok to continue with the Effexor. They gave me some starter packs and I stated to take 37.5mg per day. I took these for about 3 days before the side effects started. Sweating, blurred vision, feeling like I was drunk, like I was in someone elses body. A few days later, the thoughts started. The obsessive thoughts about wanting to injure myself and someone else. In fact, I remember being on the train, looking at the person next to me thinking I wanted to punch them in the face. I am a very docile person and have never considered myself depressed, but I feel like the Effexor made me like a zombie. I never had any of these problems when I took it before. I went back to the doctor and was given another starter pack and told to take one every other day and get myself off of this mess.
I don't know about any of these SSRI or SNRI medications. I know people who have taken them with great success, but I have also read many accounts on this here internet of many people who experienced many bad things with them. I will save the withdrawal for my next post, but if you have had any experiences with these medications, and happen to be reading this, I would love to hear about them...
Monday, June 4, 2007
Life Without "The Juice"
After a few tough weeks of getting this stuff out of my system, I began to feel some changes in my body. I had energy, I was not dozing off at work in the middle of the day, I was interested in talking to girls again, I seemed to have a focus that I did not remember having, and I began to feel a drive to achieve (something).
The decision to come off the medicine followed a bad break-up and I questioned it many times, but I wanted to venture out on my own, without my medicinal crutch. Within a few months, I lost about 12 pounds, I was exercising and enjoying it, and I had an appetite. However, I also found myself having difficulty concentrating and I lacked the focus to complete a book, reading is a major passion of mine.
I had done several Sprint Triathlons in the past and really enjoyed them. I set out to complete an Olympic Distance Triathlon about a year after I got off of the Effexor. In my training, I began to notice some Obsessive tendencies creeping into my life. The kitchen counter HAD to be clean, the sink HAD to be clear of dishes, and I HAD to vacuum frequently. Also, I could barely spend money on any non-necessary expense. I figured that some of these were healthy, my house would be cleaner and I would save more money. I did not see the OCD nor did I see the lack of concentration as a threat to my long term stability.
Around this same time, many of friends had gotten married and I realized that I had no more friends. I have the best family a guy could hope for and I am lucky that they live very close. I began to spend more time with the family, not realizing that this was not normal for a 28 year old male. After about a year, things came to a point....
The decision to come off the medicine followed a bad break-up and I questioned it many times, but I wanted to venture out on my own, without my medicinal crutch. Within a few months, I lost about 12 pounds, I was exercising and enjoying it, and I had an appetite. However, I also found myself having difficulty concentrating and I lacked the focus to complete a book, reading is a major passion of mine.
I had done several Sprint Triathlons in the past and really enjoyed them. I set out to complete an Olympic Distance Triathlon about a year after I got off of the Effexor. In my training, I began to notice some Obsessive tendencies creeping into my life. The kitchen counter HAD to be clean, the sink HAD to be clear of dishes, and I HAD to vacuum frequently. Also, I could barely spend money on any non-necessary expense. I figured that some of these were healthy, my house would be cleaner and I would save more money. I did not see the OCD nor did I see the lack of concentration as a threat to my long term stability.
Around this same time, many of friends had gotten married and I realized that I had no more friends. I have the best family a guy could hope for and I am lucky that they live very close. I began to spend more time with the family, not realizing that this was not normal for a 28 year old male. After about a year, things came to a point....
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Oh the Withdrawal!
I followed the doctors instructions to the "T" regarding tapering my dose of Effexor. I never took more than 75mg, but the first step was to go down to 37.5mg. I would say that this was relatively uneventful. No major symptoms of withdrawal, just life as usual. Following the reduction in dosage to 37.5mg, I was to take it every other day. The first day that I did not take it, I woke up with a pounding headache and blurry vision. No big deal, I made it through the day and then took my next dose and I was fine.
Then came the time to take it every 2 days. Same routine, headache, blurry vision, but this time I had an uncontrollable muscle twitch in my eye. It didn't hurt and it was not alarming, but it was very annoying, it would twitch non-stop for 10 or 15 minutes at a time. But again, I was determined to get rid of this medication and I was dealing with the withdrawal fine. I took the pill every 2 days for 2 weeks, then every 3 days.
When I went to the every 3 day portion of the taper, the dreams started. The most vivid, intense, real dreams I had ever had. In fact, I woke up many mornings thinking that I was in the wrong place, I thought I was somewhere else in the middle of the night. I would wake up in the middle of the night sweating and terrified of what I was dreaming about. What kind of tricks was this drug playing on my mind?
It took about 3 months of scary nights, headaches, and sweats to make my break from this drug. I really don't know about these things. I took them for many years with great success and they definetly helped me a lot, but I am skeptical about the science behind them. I am no scientist by any means, but I have tried many of them and I fail to understand how it is common knowledge that these things can actually make your condition WORSE!!
Some positive things took place after I stopped the Effexor. I had a libido again, I lost the 12 pounds that I had gained on the meds, I began an exercise routine and I no longer had an inexplicable urge to eat a loaf of bread every day. I felt free and happy. I was determined to pursue a lifestyle that would help me make it through life free of Effexor or any other SSRI. It would not be as easy as I thought...
Then came the time to take it every 2 days. Same routine, headache, blurry vision, but this time I had an uncontrollable muscle twitch in my eye. It didn't hurt and it was not alarming, but it was very annoying, it would twitch non-stop for 10 or 15 minutes at a time. But again, I was determined to get rid of this medication and I was dealing with the withdrawal fine. I took the pill every 2 days for 2 weeks, then every 3 days.
When I went to the every 3 day portion of the taper, the dreams started. The most vivid, intense, real dreams I had ever had. In fact, I woke up many mornings thinking that I was in the wrong place, I thought I was somewhere else in the middle of the night. I would wake up in the middle of the night sweating and terrified of what I was dreaming about. What kind of tricks was this drug playing on my mind?
It took about 3 months of scary nights, headaches, and sweats to make my break from this drug. I really don't know about these things. I took them for many years with great success and they definetly helped me a lot, but I am skeptical about the science behind them. I am no scientist by any means, but I have tried many of them and I fail to understand how it is common knowledge that these things can actually make your condition WORSE!!
Some positive things took place after I stopped the Effexor. I had a libido again, I lost the 12 pounds that I had gained on the meds, I began an exercise routine and I no longer had an inexplicable urge to eat a loaf of bread every day. I felt free and happy. I was determined to pursue a lifestyle that would help me make it through life free of Effexor or any other SSRI. It would not be as easy as I thought...
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